Can't Touch This!
by flashpenguin
Summary: A broken vacuum has Dave seeing red, until JJ shows up to save the day in a way he would never have imagined. And with surprising consequences for them both. Birthday two shot for ilovetvalot.
1. Chapter 1

_Just a quick two shot inspired by a broken vacuum. Hope you like it._

_Dedicated to Tracia for her birthday. Here is some JJ/Rossi hot loving. I couldn't tie it up pretty in paper with a huge bow, but I know you won't mind. May all your birthdays be as blessed as every day I've known you._

_I don't own Criminal Minds._

_Song prompt: "Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer. _

**Can't Touch This!**

Dave Rossi was a reasonable man. Most of the time. He knew that things happened for a reason. There was reason and logic behind most of it, and what couldn't be explained, well….maybe it wasn't worth worrying over. He had had that view with his marriages, and with catching criminals, and with his writing. And what he couldn't worry about, he hired help.

There was someone to cook and clean. There was a gardener and a maintenance man on call. He even had a plumber and roofer on speed dial. But there was nothing to help him right now with a clogged vacuum cleaner.

He should have waited for the housekeeper, but it was Saturday and she was off. And what the hell - he knew how to run a vacuum…at least he thought he did. Turn it on, run it over the carpet, and then put it back in the broom closet when done. It seemed simple as pie.

Until it made that grinding noise and then the poof of grey smoke that came out of the canister.

Now he was at a loss as to what to do since nothing he learned in the FBI Academy had prepared him for small mechanical breakdowns. Scrounging up what little tools he had in the desk, he set to fixing the vacuum. But an hour later, his frustration level had been reached and he was ready to chuck the whole thing out the window.

Until the knock on the door.

Brushing the dust off his shirt, he let out a deep breath and answered the door. It was on the tip of his tongue to say something biting until he saw JJ.

"Hi, Dave," she greeted. "Is this a bad time?"

"Hello JJ. What makes you ask that?" Dave wondered.

"I heard cursing inside and you have a streak of black right -" She touched the wide black mark on Dave's cheek. "There."

Dave rubbed his face with the back of his hand. "It's nothing."

"Can I help?" JJ offered.

"Depends, can you fix vacuums?" he asked.

JJ smiled. "Vacuums? I'm not quite following you…."

"A regular run of the mill Hoover piece of crap that you use in your home; can you fix them?" he asked. A bit of impatience was in his tone.

"I can give it a try." JJ shrugged her shoulders.

"Then come inside." Dave opened the door wide and let JJ step into the foyer. "It's this way," he offered and led the way thru the living room and formal dining area to the study. Stepping aside, he pointed to the machine lying helpless on the floor. "There it is."

"Umm, Dave…" JJ hesitated.

"I'm about at the end of my rope. My next step is pulling my service weapon out and putting the damn thing out of its misery."

"I…" JJ looked from the machine to her fellow agent. "Okay," she sighed. "I'll see what I can do."

Walking over to the machine, she knelt down beside it. Looking it over, she pulled out the canister, then the hose connection to the base. Giving it a shake, she pushed it back in and then turned on the switch.

"No! Don't do…" Dave shouted before a cloud of grey smoke hit JJ in the face. "…that," he finished.

Choking and gagging, JJ tried to clear her lungs as she blinked fast. "Thanks for the warning," she croaked.

"I think it's broken."

"Hmmm…." JJ inspected the machine more closely. "I'm going to need a flat head screwdriver and a Philips's head, too."

"How about I just throw it out?" Dave asked sarcastically.

JJ rested back on her heels. "That is your choice. Maybe money grows on trees for you, but you asked me to fix this contraption and I am going to do my best."

"JJ…"

The blonde leveled a cool gaze at the man who found different ways of frustrating her more than her son.

"I'll make you a deal: if I don't fix it, you can throw it out."

"Okay."

"If I fix it, you owe me."

"Am I going to regret this?" Dave asked carefully.

"Depends…are you game?"

"Alright, Cara. Stay there." Turning on his heel, Dave left the room. Two minutes later, he was back with a tool box and a plastic grocery bag. "Will this do?"

JJ nodded. "Yes. Now stand back and let me see what I can do." Taking out the flat head, she loosened the screws. "Hold these," she ordered. "I don't want to lose them."

"Okay."

"Now, let's see what's under this…" She pulled the panel back to inspect the belt. The stench of burning rubber assaulted her nose. "Wow! How long did you run this thing before you realized something was wrong?" She waved the smell away.

"I thought it was picking up," Dave protested.

"Which is why you are a negotiator and not a house keeper." She inspected the belt. "It's okay, but you'd better tell Freya to get a new belt. Okay, let's see about the hose…" She unscrewed the hose from the base. Tilting it, she looked down the tube. Sticking her fingers in, she tried to see if there was clog. Banging it hard on the floor, she sighed.

"This is not going to be pretty," she announced.

"What?" Dave cocked an eyebrow.

JJ swallowed hard. "What I need to do…I have to…unclog the hose…"

"How?"

"Like this." JJ put the hose to her mouth and blew. Hard.

"What in the world?" Dave exclaimed.

"Hush!" JJ blew again. Nothing happened. Taking a deep breath, she blew harder. Nothing. Sighing, she put the hose down and tried to catch her breath. "This sucks."

"I think you're blowing, not sucking," Dave supplied innocently.

"Seriously?" JJ fought the urge to toss the machine at Dave. "Alright, you do it!"

"JJ…"

"You clogged it, you unclog it. Or you let me do my job," JJ snapped. Taking the hose in her hand again, JJ took a deep breath and pressed the end of the hose to her thigh. Then she blew hard. Then again. And again.

A puff of dust escaped. She tried to hide her smile of victory. Taking a deeper breath, she blew until she thought her cheeks would burst. Then as she repeated, she pulled the end from her thigh and let it loose. The hose shook as a rumble sounded and a large ball of dust covered fur popped out and landed on the carpet.

Twice more, JJ repeated the procedure. More hair followed along with a wad of paper.

Putting the hose down, JJ looked triumphant. "Well, I guess we found out what the problem is: you have a dog that sheds."

Dave looked in disbelief at the pile on the floor. "_That_ is what was clogging the hose?"

JJ picked up the wad of fur and piece of paper. "Yep." She stood up and then deposited the debris into Dave's hands.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" he asked.

"Keep it, if you want. But I would throw it away." JJ began to put everything back together. A couple minutes later, she wiped the sweat from her brow. "I think it's fixed." Plugging the cord into the wall, she hit the power button. Immediately, the vacuum sprung to life and began suctioning.

Two swipes of the floor to pick up the stray dust, JJ righted the machine and turned off the engine.

"There. Fixed."

"I can't believe you did that," Dave stated in amazement.

JJ blew the stray strand of hair out of her face. "It's nothing a good blow job can't take care of," she stated. "Where is your bathroom? I need to clean up."

"Upstairs. Seventh door on the left."

"Second?" JJ repeated.

"_Seventh_," Dave corrected.

"Okay." JJ left the room and Dave to clean up the tools. Dave watched her leave. A wide smile was on his face.


	2. Chapter 2

**Can't Touch This!**

Rinsing her mouth, JJ gargled to expel the nasty taste of dust and dog hair. What she would give for a toothbrush.

"There is a spare toothbrush in the cabinet," Dave stated from behind her.

Startled, JJ jumped then spun around. "Dear God, Dave!" she exclaimed. "You scared me to death!"

"Sorry," he apologized.

Opening the cabinet, JJ pulled out the spare toothbrush and peeled it from its wrapping. A few seconds later, she was cleaning her teeth as though her life depended on it. Rinsing once again, she spat out the water. Reaching for the towel, she dried her face and hands.

"Better?" Dave asked.

"Much. How is the vacuum?"

"Better. Much better."

"That's good."

"Well, I guess I would be too, if a beautiful woman did to mean what you did to that piece of machinery," Dave's voice was low.

"Oh?" JJ breathed.

Dave moved in closer. "Watching you blow on that hose had to be the hottest thing I've ever seen a woman do." He reached out and touched JJ's lips with his index finger. "Is it true what you said?"

"About what?" JJ couldn't think. Dave filled the room with his heat and presence.

"It was nothing a good blow job couldn't take care of?" His lips hovered above hers.

"Why do you want to know?"

"Because I'm jealous," he stated.

Before JJ could respond, Dave's mouth closed over hers. Closing her eyes, she felt his tongue trace the seam of her lips. Moaning low, she melted into his touch as his hand cupped her breast. Slowly, she weaved her fingers into his thick hair.

Dave tasted the cool mint of the toothpaste on JJ's tongue as it mated with his and his blood ran hot. Even hotter than when he had watched her blow on the hose. His body had come alive as he watched her. The jeans that normally fit him so well had suddenly grown two sizes too small as visions of a naked JJ danced in his head.

He hadn't meant to follow her and kiss her, but what the hell? He was a man, and she was a woman, and she had excited him more than anything he had ever seen in his life. Then again, maybe he just needed to get laid. Either way, he was holding her and kissing her, and she was kissing back.

Without breaking the kiss, Dave bent down and swept JJ into his arms. Stepping back, he turned to carry her to his bedroom. Laying her gently on the comforter, he covered her body with his. Gently, his hand stroked her until her moans filled his ears.

Pushing back, he fiddled with the buttons on her blouse. One by one he slipped the blouse open until it parted to reveal a white lace bra. The hardened nipples poked against the material. Groaning low in his throat, he ducked his head and to pull a nipple into his mouth. Sucking, his hand fondled the other until JJ arched her back.

"Dave…" she moaned.

"You like that, Cara?" he murmured against her skin.

"Ah…." Was her only reply. She couldn't think and breathing was out of the question. Especially when Dave released the front clasp and the cool air flushed against her heated skin. As he loved her other breast, JJ's hands worked on freeing him from his clothes.

"Slow down," Dave stated as he suckled her.

Impatient, JJ took that moment to flip him over on his back. Startled, Dave tried to get his bearings.

"JJ…what in the hell…?"

"You had a question and now I'm going to show you," she replied. With a flick of her wrists, she unsnapped the button and released the zipper. Immediately, Dave's boxers tented as he was freed.

Giving that smile only a woman could as she gaze upon God's creation of the perfect male form, JJ ducked her head and loved Dave as though she might never get the chance again.

Now it was Dave's turn to forget how to breathe as JJ's warm mouth took him deep and then released him. Her tongue teased and tormented him - it was a cross between heaven and hell - and he was torn. He wanted her to stop, but he didn't know how.

"JJ…" he pleaded as his hips arched to go deeper.

"What?" she asked and licked him as though he was an ice cream about to melt in her hot hands.

"I think….I think…" But Dave couldn't think.

"Hold that thought," JJ stated and got off the bed. Quickly she threw her clothes to the floor. Then she joined Dave on the bed to finish what she started. Faster than a blink of an eye, Dave's clothes joined hers in a pile.

"That's better," she stated. Leaning down, she kissed Dave while her hands trailed over his body in silly patterns before reaching down to hold him. The heavy weight of him in her palm was breathtaking. He was so perfect. Who knew - besides most of the female population at the FBI - what a treasure was beneath those designer Levi's?

Stroking him until he cried her name, JJ positioned herself over him, and then took him deep inside.

And then Dave's world exploded in colour as the air was sucked from his lungs suddenly. He tried to think but his brain refused to work. But if his brain had turned off, his body was quite capable of picking up the slack. As JJ set the rhythm, Dave kept up.

Slow at first, their bodies fit perfectly as they moved to a beat only their hearts could hear. Letting out a contented sigh, JJ closed her eyes as she moved her body up and down to meet Dave's thrusts. So perfect.

Leaning up, Dave captured a nipple between his teeth and teased it. His left hand snaked down and stroked JJ. Slow at first, he picked up the pace as her body tightened from the double touching.

Crying out, she moved faster against Dave's body and hand. He met her as his thrusts went deep and long. Arching back against him, JJ tried to catch her breath, but the orgasm was coming on hard and fast.

"Dave!" she sobbed as her body tightened into a coil. She didn't know how much longer she could hold on.

Dave felt her orgasm and thrust faster. He was almost there and he wanted to join her as she exploded.

"That's it, Cara. Just a little more."

JJ held on to Dave's shoulders to brace herself against the feel good hurt that erupted through out her body. Suddenly, without warning, the coil tightened down, then sprung to life.

Dave gave one last hard thrust, then joined her. His cries mingled with hers as bursts of colour burst behind his eyes and his body poured deep into hers.  
>****<p>

"Are you alive?" Dave asked when he could find his voice.

"I was going to ask you the same thing," JJ replied huskily.

"I'm very much alive," he affirmed. "And I'm very relaxed."

"Is that why you're crushing me?" JJ teased.

Dave moved off of JJ. As he pulled her close, he covered them both with the comforter. "Better?"

"Much. So, this is how you pay back all the women who fix your appliances?" JJ asked.

"You're the first," Dave admitted. His hand stroked JJ's soft blonde locks. "I've never seen a woman do what you did today."

JJ gave a low chuckle. "Maybe you have been dating the wrong women."

"Where did you learn to do that?"

"When you grow up poor, you learn to fix things to make them last."

"Well, I'll remember to call you the next time something breaks."

"I don't do toasters," JJ stated.

"Hmmm…."

"So, did I prove it to you?"

"Prove what?" Dave asked cautiously.

"That a good blow job fixes everything?"

"Oh yes." Dave closed his eyes as his body began to stir back to life. For a long moment, just their breathing filled the room.

"I never asked, but why did you come over?" Dave wondered aloud.

"I wanted to ask you out. Guess that got changed," JJ laughed.

"Complaining?"

"About staying inside making love to Dave Rossi?"

"Yeah."

"Maybe." JJ's eyes twinkled with mischief.

"I can change your mind."

"Hmmm?"

Dave rolled her under him. His body pressed against her softness. He looked deep into her blue eyes.

"Answer me one last thing."

"I'll try," JJ replied.

"What did you want if you could get the vacuum fixed?" Dave's hands stroked JJ's tender flesh.

"For you to make love to me until I couldn't think straight."

"Looks like your wish has come true."

Covering her mouth with his for a long, wet, deep kiss, Dave paid JJ back for the repair….with interest.

And then some to spare.

The End.


End file.
